I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
That can be really tricky. The only time my wife was flirting with another guy with the intent of it going somewhere (with my permission but that’s all a long story)… it was exciting to me but it also made me jealous. And I didn’t want to be jealous, I was excited for her, but it made me feel those things anyway.
I know it’s not at all the same situation, but I think from his perspective it’s not so different. He was agreeing to other men having access to you knowing they wanted to get something in turn for paying for that access.
So I’m not surprised his feelings about that were complex and fraught. Especially at that age. I struggled at 45, I can’t imagine trying to navigate those feelings at 25.
Just talk about it. But also it sounds like you have some emotional things to work out for yourself and it’s possible you’re just not ready for a serious relationship no matter how bad you want it (not for me to say or judge, but don’t be afraid to discover who you are and what makes you happy without a partner because that will make you a better partner IMO).
He hates the idea of sharing me or me receiving attention from others and I agree 100% because I feel the same way about girls giving him attentions that’s why I asked him first if he’s fine with it and he agreed. That’s why I didn’t think much of it in the beginning. I’ve been single for years, I do feel ready for a relationship and wants things to work. I’ve been trying really hard to work things out but I think it’s officially set that he wants out, gotta respect that I guess
There will be others. I went through a whole failed marriage before finding the right person for me at about 33. You have time. You’ll find your person and I promise they will be even better. Hugs.
Why is it so hard to accept that? I’m in a lot of denial and just want things to go another chance again. Part of me is so confident we can make things work again but I know I have to respect his choice. U know. I know there will be others but that thought grosses me out. I’m only 21 to be 22 in 4 months and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like my pain is always repeating
It does, but you grow and learn a little each time. It always hurts and it always feels like this one was perfect in ways the others weren’t. But eventually it happens.