or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
I tend to treat words fairly literally and try to be precise, so if I say ‘I’m sorry,’ it’s because I am sorry. If I want to sympathize, I can say other things. (‘That’s awful.’ ‘Those bastards…’ etc.) On occasions where I have not felt sorry because the other person has reacted emotionally to something , I tend to ask questions. Calmly giving people a chance to feel heard can often help.
In most cases, though, I try to move people toward solutions-oriented thinking to prevent spiralling. Asking questions lets them put the problem into words, helping them switch from a defensive emotional stance to an open brainstorming stance. Giving people a goal can make them feel a sense of progress, giving them distance from the problem and possibly netting a better final result than even might have happened without the inciting event.