If only one…

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I was going to make fries 🍟, put a couple liters of oil in a wok-like frier 🍲 on the stove ♨️… and a short phone 📞 call later, came running into a cloud of oil smoke 💨 filling the kitchen, and flames 🔥 bursting just as I quickly slammed a lid on it. Take lid off, flames burst 🔥, put lid on, only smoke 💨. PHEW!.. but I wanted fries! So… DISCLAIMER: do not do this!!… got a cinder block, put it in the middle of the kitchen, and veeeeery carefully, with the lid on, took the whole thing with the oil at flaming point, off the stove, onto the cinder block… took the lid off, flames burst 🔥, put the lid on 💨… but I still wanted fries! So… DISCLAIMER: seriously, NEVER do this!!… I took a jug🏺, filled it with water 🌊, and very carefully, started pouring it onto the cinder block under the thing full of flaming oil. A few jugs later, and a lot a steam, and a wet floor, and an incredible amount of luck 🍀 later… took the lid off… finally no fire! So… DISCLAIMER: y’know the drill… veeeeery carefully, I took it off the cinder block and back onto the stove… waited a while for it to stop smoking, poured the fries in… and some minutes later, had freshly made fries!🍟 And a kitchen floor to mop up.

9/10, tasty, with a slight risk of a horrible death and burning the whole house down.

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Then, this other time… I was feeling hungry, so decided to make a bowl of pasta 🍝, with some sour cheese 🧀, with scrambled eggs 🍳, with some strawberries 🍓, and some sugar to top it off… only instead of sugar 🍶, I picked the flour 🍶 jug (white is white, right?.. right?)… several minutes of blowing flour off the bowl into the sink later… I said “f it”… added some actual sugar, mixed everything thoroughly, and ate it like that.

8/10, was hungry, raw flour tasted bad, but mixed up together it got kind of masked.

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Another time, decided to make pasta, so put a large pot of water on the stove… but was really tired, so set an alarm for 10 minutes, about when it should get boiling (this was on a gas stove without a timer), and went to take a quick nap… something like half an hour later, woke up to a nasty smell coming from the kitchen, ran into it, and of course all the water had boiled off, the pot was getting burned ♨️… and I just overheard a cop 👮 on the balcony in the apartament next door, saying “yes, send the firefighters 👨‍🚒 to…” which is when I jumped out crying "no need!! everything under control!!"😳. They still wanted to see what happened, so had to let them in, show the burned pot… they looked at me with commiseration, “yeah, I know…” I said. Thanked the neighbor for calling for help and excused myself, she still looked pissed. Oh well.

1/10, got no lunch that day, barely got on time for work, but the house still didn’t burn down, and firefighters didn’t have to break in, so that’s something.

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And once, I was going to make coffee, fished out a jar from the back of the cupboard, no expiry date, opened it to take a whiff… and just that moment my mom comes into the kitchen, bumps into me, and I get a full snort of coffee. It wasn’t stale. I kept smelling it for a day or two…

4/10, coffee is fine, but everything smelling like coffee, from salad, to cheese, to orange juice, is a bit much.