Corporate journalists:

Now go away before they taunt you a second time.

They’ve gotta dumb it down so dumb people will share it with their dumb friends.

Its worse than that even.

Archaeologists led by Dr. Pearce Paul Creasman, executive director of the American Center of Research, unearthed the ancient tomb. The expedition was studying the Treasury after years of speculation that two tombs found below the left side of the monument in 2003 weren’t the only secret underground chambers. But that theory had not been confirmed — until now.

“American Center of Research”? Per Wikipedia it was formerly “The American Center of Oriental Research”, a non-profit research center focused on Amman, Jordan and surrounding areas.

So far as I can tell it seems to be a place where employee’s LinkedIn accounts would start with “Follower of Christ, Archaeologist”. Some sort of Jesus-first thing - that’s a guess. It would explain the breathless-and-pointless comment about the ‘Holy Grail’ cup.

And of course the current director has three names, which is important. Now - back to our story:

Creasman and his team performed ground-penetrating radar — a remote sensing technique that uses radar pulses to detect underground objects — earlier this year to see whether the physical features on the left, where the original tombs were found, matched those on the right.

First of all, I love how they describe ground-penetrating radar as radar used on the ground. Secondly, the hilariously-staged photo of three very white men striking the ground with different implements at the exact same time in front of the Petra library is not the case, since they were using radar. Thirdly, there were already tombs discovered on the left and right of the libary so they made the brilliant deduction to look in the front. Wow! That’s just some good old out-of-the-box scienceing right there.

So then what happened?

At this point, Creasman contacted Josh Gates, host of Discovery Channel’s “Expedition Unknown.” “I think we’ve got something,” Creasman said he told the explorer over the phone.

Boy can’t ya just picture it? A solid rock ancient building with big squares in the wall for windows, the sun is setting, a slight wind carries dust that flickers in the dusky light. An american man in a beard and fedora uses an old hand-cranked telephone to connect to one of the most powerful media conglomerates’ headquarters in Los Angeles Califonia. “Josh!” he shouts to be heard along the crackling line thousands of miles away. “I think we’ve got something!” - cut to L.A. where our dapper host of “Expedition Unknown” is sitting behind a giant mahogany desk. He sits bolt upright in his massive leather chair, pinstripe suit snapping into shape. “Mary!” he calls to his assistant. She runs into the room in a pencil-skirt and sleek pumps. “Get me Zaslav! We’ve found something!” She gasps.

Now if that doesn’t underscore the seriousness and focus of this academic institution’s commitment to expanding knowledge of the world’s cultures, I don’t know what does.

Let’s end on Josh Gates’ take on these remains newly discovered:

“They must be hugely important people, because where they’re buried is such prime real estate; it really is the main entrance to the city,” Gates said.

Mmmm. Prime real estate. Yes, these were no doubt the kings, business titans - men no doubt like himself that they’ll be robbing protecting amongst all their finery and wares.

Heck for all I know it may be a legit effort that was made ridiculous by reporting, but I’m a little cynical these days.

Media synergy!