Son is 16, best friend is 17, they go to the same high school. Best friend’s family’s wealthy. He bought son a brand new iPhone 16 Pro Max & a pair of AirPods Pro 2, so they can “match”. Son’s obviously very happy, but I think it’s a bit too much. I called the parents and they said it’s fine, it’s just pocket change.
So I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I had a rich friend growing up and they would give me random gifts like game consoles and tickets to concerts that we’d go with them. It was “pocket change” to them. As I got older, I came in to money young and started to do the same thing with my friends, and I realized why they did it and why I did it.
It’s nothing about power dynamics or holding it over others, but wanting to share in your joys and successes. I would buy dinner for friends at nice places because I wanted to enjoy something and I wanted them to also. They were my friends, I have money, why wouldn’t I want to share it? I hate when people are selfish and hoard money, so why not use it for everyone to enjoy.
In college, I had a job and one of my best friends didn’t. I’d often ask if he wanted to go do something, like bowling or grab some food. When he’d say he didn’t have any money, I’d say “I’m asking if you want to, not if you can. It’s on me.” I just wanted to hang out with my buddy.
Stuff like this is why I have a rule with my friends, because we are all varying levels of broke at various times.
Whomever suggests going out (typically no more than 3 people) must be fully prepared to cover the costs of everyone being invited. They usually don’t have to do so, but it ensures that nobody feels awkward because they can’t afford to go.
Good rule.
Hahaha, I had a friend around college time where we had the exact same dialogue every time:
- Hey, wanna go watch a movie?
- I can’t, I don’t have any money
- How many times have I told you, I’m asking you if you want to, not if you can, I’ll pay for you
I wasn’t rich or anything, but paying for that extra ticket or meal wouldn’t break my bank and he was my friend, I enjoyed hanging out with, so I would gladly spend that money to hang out with him.
This logic is fine for concerts, restaurants etc. but it doesn’t stretch to friends having the same model of phone.
Why not? If they are not old enough to drive or go places on their own the phone is probably the main way they communicate outside of school. My family does hand me down phones for kids and I could imagine having compatibility issues like old android vs new iPhone can’t video chat easily or whatever.
I’m not saying this is for sure the case, but I can envision a world where having compatible phones makes some things easier. It is surely not as bad as the good old days when some people had flip phones and some had smart phones. But there still may well be a gap.
I’m not arguing they shouldn’t have a phone. I’m saying there is absolutely no need to have exactly the same model and headphones.
That’s says there is something wrong with their social group.
Eh, it definitely seems excessive, but it’s likely just a matter of scale. If they’re really that well off, then spending 2 grand on a phone would be similar to buying concert tickets, or bringing a friend along to a theme park, etc.
I’m having a go at the reasoning more than the value. If having matching phones and headphones is important for social status then something is very wrong somewhere.
Completely agree. Falls into the “some people have more money than sense” category.
I’m like you. Not everyone is though. Or they might think they are, and the second they perceive any kind of sleight from the person they’ve showered with free gifts to enjoy, the resentment comes out: “after all I’ve done for you, how dare you [whatever].”
To be fair, this can come as a surprise to the gift giver too. People often legit aren’t aware that their heart is building up expectations as they do “nice things just to be nice.”
Bruh it’s a free fucking phone. The parents said they’re good with it. Stop being insecure and let your son enjoy his free phone. It would be absolutely absurd of you to make him give it back.
From a best friend, sure, I fully agree.
However do be careful when it comes to other relationships, it does have the potential to cause problems.
OP said it’s his Son’s best friend?
Doesn’t have to be a straight relationship for “gifts” to turn into “you owe me”.
I don’t understand what you’re saying. Straight relationship? What do you mean by that?
Straight as in not queer, i.e. not gay. Your comment sounded like you thought that only in a couple’s relationship would such petty behavior emerge
I literally never said that or implied that. What are you talking about?
The person you are replying to said it’s fine in a “best friend”-relationship, implying it can be problematic in more intimate relationships. You then said that the person in question is “the son’s best friend though”, which can be interpreted as “there is no potential for a more intimate relationship” in the context (as in male-male friends can’t be more than that).
I’m just telling you how it can be interpreted and where the answer is coming from.
Stop being insecure
This is about as useful as telling someone with depression to just cheer up.
I’m not saying don’t work on your insecurities, but I didn’t get that vibe from your usage.
Think on gifting him something inexpensive for you, bake them something or something like inviting your son’s friend to dinner at home. It’s healthy to reciprocate within your economic situation. That way it doesn’t become charity.
This. And I’d bet there is something that OP can easily do that the rich kid/his family are not used to.
We’re doing fine, better than most, and my son has a friend whose family is just plain rich. They know the difference, and it’s occasionally a weird space to navigate.
But as long as they talk about it openly and honestly, they’ll figure it out.
Inviting someone out on your yacht is one thing, but furnishing them with luxury gifts is another. I’m not sure I can explain why. But rich friends need to know how to toe that line.
Inviting friends to a holiday and pay their hotel is weird. buying holiday home and inviting them to spend this week in the bahamas is totally normal & accpetable.
at least that’s how I feel.
I grew up house poor, and one of our closest family friends was very wealthy. I never quite got a gift that expensive but it did happen. Frequently got gifts that were $200 or more which is more than we could’ve returned. One year i got a gaming console and a bunch of games. That was my first console at a time my dad was unemployed for over a year.
If it bothered my parents, they never said anything. I do think if i had to return some of those gifts i would’ve been resentful. Not all people give gifts and expect the same monetary value in return. In fact that is part of the point for them because it is a gift that someone wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. I try to do gifts like that too except I’m not rich so i try to guess what something they need but don’t know about. Both can serve the same purpose of getting a gift that they wouldn’t have gotten themselves by removing a barrier (cost in one case, research on the other).
You have already asked the parents, the parents are cool with it, sons friend is cool with it, and your son is cool with it. I think you should be cool with it too. I do think this will make giving gifts to this friend difficult, so you’ll need to have your son lean in that second category. Or if sons friend is self aware about money he won’t be asking for $1k+ gifts from friends
If you go back on your son receiving this gift, it’ll be a dick of a dad move. Like some people have mentioned your best bet is probably to have a discussion about wealth and ethics with your son as well as letting him know your concerns. Like some people say, it’s a lot of money for YOU, for these people it’s not.
Let him keep the stuff. If the other boy’s parents don’t care, why should you?
why would you ask him to return, he dint buy it himself, and it was a gift. it might ruin thier friendship if you return it, it would be pretty wierd to do it, and kinda insulting.
This kind of expensive gift can turn into a “you owe me” kind of situation if the friendship becomes sour.
If they’re fine with it, what’s the problem exactly?
The excessiveness makes me feel uncomfortable… unhealthy dynamic wise.
You need to examine why this makes you uncomfortable. Is there other behavior that makes a gift a threat? Or does it make you feel uncomfortable because of a negative internal response? are you concerned about their relationship being too close because you don’t want them to be a couple? Are you jealous or insecure because you could not afford the gift? Before you react be confident that you are reacting to a valid concern and not punishing your son for a very generous gift that’s just a small overstep.
If they’re actually wealthy and they said this was just chump change for them, and it was a gift, I just don’t quite see where the “unhealthy dynamic” is. You sure this isn’t just about pride?
Maybe a little bit of that too. But not my pride; I don’t want son to be seen as a charity case.
But isn’t that still your pride talking?
I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that I doubt the people giving the gift see your son (or you) as a charity case. To your son’s best friend it’s just about giving his bestie a gift he knows he’ll like
It’s very likely not charity to them.
Think about it this way. If you had a really good friend that maybe wasn’t doing as well financially and you had to get them something for their birthday, and you knew there was something they wanted that they couldn’t afford but you could easily get for them, would you feel like you were doing charity or just something nice for a nice person?
Don’t let pride get in the way. Just think about what’s best for your kid and if he gets some nice things here and there, no big deal as long as he’s not getting hurt or used.
It could actually end up being a valuable friendship and not cause of how rich these people are. You never know.
yeah you need to drop this bullshit American mentality, sorry.
sounds like pride, probably either dont want to be seen as “poor” recieving handouts, or getting stuff for free/gift you dint buy yourself.
its a little different if they are gifting and the wealthy family thinks your poor and needing a handout, but its not in this case, this would be insulting your intelligence, and kinda mean.
No offense but it sounds like you’re insecure about your wealth compared to your son’s friends family. You’re going to have to get over it.
it could be or it it could just have been an attempt at a gift of something that kid knew your kid wanted with no forethought of how it may have been interpreted by someone with less resources by the parents who just mindlessly OKey it.
Seems like there’s no good way to know at the moment, really.
If your kid starts worshiping the rich kid and talking about his things all the time (which he might if rich kid has all the fun toys and is a decent friend) it may sway your kid a bit more towards materialism, but also offer valuable insight into the true value of wealth. I’m sure, given enough time, he, like many of us that have spent time with wealthy people, they will come to understand that a whole lot of money only fixes some kinds of problems, but also creates new ones.
If you detect a pattern of controlling behavior by the rich kid through what he gets your kid, that could also be a bit concerning, but again, don’t lose the potential valuable lesson from sight. It may be very good to be exposed to that kind of behavioral pattern at a young age if you’re gonna learn why to avoid it really well for the rest of your life.
I’d just let things play themselves out until the child themself expressed distress or concern about the other kid or started asking me for a bunch of stuff I couldn’t or didn’t want to afford.
Either way, it seems like a good faith, despite perhaps a bit thoughtless gift.
Look at it from the other persons perspective they 1) feel comfortable doing this and 2) have the financial means to do so why not let them give their best friend a nice gift? I’m very fortunate to be at the income level I am but as a mom of a 19 and 20 year old if they had asked me to give their best friend a phone I would ask some questions like, do they need one? How old is theirs? Why can’t they afford one? Assuming they had a shitty old phone because they’re poor I would absolutely be ok with my kid giving a (long term) best friend a phone, especially if the friend was also open to it
Assuming they’re just well off and have normal parents I think it’s very possible this is a reasonable gift.
Anytime we have an expensive gift to a friend they personally called us on the phone to thank us, it was always awkward as hell to me but polite, so I think that’s the etiquette when you get a gift life this, to call and say tanks in person or to see them and thank them in person (the kids parents, assuming they bestie didn’t pay for it all on his own in which case that’s between the two of them imo the point of extra money is to spend it on people you love, you can’t take it with you after all)
Money means different things to different people. Look at it this way:
A person is a billionaire and they buy your son a car worth $90k. That would be equivalent to if you make $100k and decide to purchase something for $9. Would you care if your son spent $9 on a friend?
I understand your reservations as I would have them too. But keep in mind, giving your kid that kind of access to a network of that level is priceless. As long as the friend isn’t making your son feel subservient or lesser in any way, I’d leave it be.
My only concern is that kids that come from that kind of money, have access to very expensive lawyers, and therefore take risks most people wouldn’t take. I have seen it happen in person where I live (well used to live). It was an affluent neighborhood and sometimes the kids of these affluent people were complete obnoxious assholes. Not all of them, but definitely a statistically significant portion. That’s what I would be more concerned with. Just my 2¢.
You would be the bad guy if you make him return it. Personally I would have a talk with your son about how unusual the act is and how his act could be used as leverage over him, nothing is free. Teach him healthy skepticism. Also call back those parents and tell them to fuck off, completly unacceptable they bought something connected and important for your son without checking with you first. They dont know your house or rules…
Edit: the phone isn’t on friends family plan, right?
I wouldn’t go as far as telling the other parents to fuck off. But telling them they should check with you first os definetly appropriate.
I was being dramatic, sorry, yes, this!
No, the phone is carrier-free; paid in full.
LET. YOUR. KID. KEEP. THE. DAMN. GIFT.
If you take it away, the damage you may cause to you and yours sons relationship will FAR exceed the value of a phone.
Also, and I’m not saying this as an insult, it sounds like this is less about a phone, and more about pride. You didn’t get your kid an expensive phone so him having it is a reminder his best friend’s patents can afford what you cannot. Maybe tell your child that they are so loved in this world by others that they want him to be blessed by gifts he wouldn’t otherwise have. Show him he’s a valuable person who has earned such a nice gesture because of who he is and what he means to others. Make sure he doesn’t take such a kind action for granted.
But please, let your boy keep the gift. Him having it means way more than it does to you giving it back.
Getting him to returnerte it might damage the friendship and cause issues between you and his parents. Maybe try and find a mutual understanding that this is to much for future presents instead?
I am personally a huge fan of taking advantage of wealthy people.
You don’t really have iPhone 16 pro Max and Air pods money to throw away like this without having a one sided relationship with labor, in my opinion.
But that’s my cynical leftist view.
I imagine the biggest reason to not keep it is fear of your son getting spoiled or demanding gifts from you that are this same caliber.
However, he is 16. Certainly not the most rational age for many people, but he can understand the difference in financial statuses between you and his friend.
I think it would be distressing for you to take away this expensive thing on the grounds of “we’re too poor to have nice things” especially since it was a gift from his best friend. But having that discussion of “hey don’t let that get to your head. I still love you I just could not afford such an expensive gift. Here’s a vague breakdown of our expenses”
My dad had a similar discussion with me when I was getting ready to go to college the first time and he flat out told me how much he and mom made and broke down where the money goes. It really helped me understand our economic position instead of just assuming my parents made a good amount of money (they didn’t)
Taking advantage of someone and being friends with them are incompatible things. If you assume by default that the best thing to do with someone wealthy or poor is to take advantage of them, what do you think that says about how much relevance you are assigning to “how much money they have” regarding someone’s value as a person?
taking advantage is a pretty negative thing to do, its more of a parasitical relationship, not friendship. just like with codependancy, its not healthy.
