Boyfriend of 2 years (best friend of 6) just told me he’s started seeing someone else. No discussion. Just ghosted me for a week and hit me with this news. Thought he was my soulmate, lmao. I feel like someone just ripped out my insides. Just turned 31 this year, this shit is not any easier than when I was a teenager.
How did you make it through that first night? The second? The third? Is it really just time? I feel like my body is too old to survive another heartbreak.
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My little piece of advice: you don’t have to think about the future, tomorrow, next week, they are all far off. Think about now, this hour, the next 5 minutes, or whatever stretch of time seems manageable. What do you do now? Cook dinner? Watch a show? Cry in the shower? The future might be scary and too much to manage now. You’ll handle it when you get to it. Now, you only have to think about right now.
Verbena tea is calming and soothing. Lavender is relaxing. Green tea for me is a calming ritual.
You got this. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it, but you only need to do one step, and you got that one step.
Everyone here is so kind it’s making me cry even harder, lmao. Thank you. Thank you so much for your perspective, and for your encouragement. Your confidence in me makes me feel a lot stronger. my mind gets really caught up in what ifs and just general dread around the future when what I need to do is just be present in the now.
Just wish the right now wasn’t so lonely.
It’s already a day later! You got this, the hardest part is flowing by. How are you doing?
I don’t think there’s magic one size fits all answer to this, it really sucks you have to deal with it. Avoid destructive behaviours like drinking until you pass out etc, they won’t help in the long term. Do you have any friends IRL you can call on?
Yeah. I’ve been talking to my sister and best friend about it. It’s late though, and they need to sleep so I’m also trying not to bother them too much right now. The loneliness and pain is honestly just overwhelming. I haven’t felt this bad since I lost my dog and that absolutely destroyed me. The night I lost her I drank until I passed out and I think I did that for the next couple of weeks.
I don’t want to do that again but I do need to numb the pain or I’ll lose my mind from lack of sleep
Don’t drink. Cry. It sounds stupid, bit crying out all the pain might help. Do not run from it. Go through it and cry again if you need to. If you can do so safely, drive and scream in the car. Or break some stuff that you do not need anymore (like plates or something).
I have been through some traumatising stuff and the only thing that helps is not to run, but to go through it. I promise you, there will be a peak in pain and then it will reduce and the next peak will be less severe. This will go on and the pain will become less and less. As long as you keep breathing, you can handle it.
Yep, you gotta process these emotions sometime – might as well be now.
Thank you so much for this perspective. Thinking about it like that makes it easier to think about the future and be aware in my present. That being said, I’m hoping this is the highest peak because if it isn’t, I am not going to make it. My threshold for pain is in the negative digits.
I know I need to feel feelings to actually process them. I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet how drastically my life just changed. It makes me feel destructive and defeated at the same time. I want to jump out of my skin.
I went through something similar as you last year. I’m still not completely over her, still think about her daily, but it’s a distant past now.
Whatever happens, you are still you. Whatever pain you feel, it won’t change you unless you let it to. Use it to learn something about yourself, get stronger, learn to enjoy it. But never forget that you’re in charge, and that those feelings will pass.
I can understand that it feels that this is the maximum you can cope with. But as long as you keep breathing, you still exist and you can cope. I can promise you that if you go through it instead of around it, it will get better. I cannot promise you exactly when or how high the peaks will be, but I can promise you that as long as you keep breathing you can cope.
My little sister died from anorexia, I had a miscarriage, my parents emotionally neglected and emotionally abused me as a child and several other traumatising stuff happened. I know pain. I do not underestimate yours. But this is how I dealt with it and I think it will help you too.
I sincerely feel for you. But the pain has a function. You need it to process and you need to feel it to eventually be able to make a new and happy life for yourself. Just keep breathing and go through the waves. I know you can do it.
Soulmate is a fabrication. You find someone you like that likes you. You can tolerate their downsides and they can tolerate yours. GGG in the sack. Willing to work things out. There is no such thing as the perfect match but there are lots of people out there that will sit pretty high on your list. When you find one of them give it a go, hope it will work out, but it won’t always go the way you want. Eventually it will stick or it won’t, either way you’ve had a good time of it and start the next part of your adventure.
Da real MVP, right here.
I’ve been with my wife going on 20 years. She drives me insane at times and I her. I’m willing to look through her annoyances because she looks through mine. Before I met my wife I had one relationship I was 100% was THE ONE™️. She wasn’t. Neither will OP’s be. Break ups are hard, and they’re hard not to take personally, but they are just another person’s opinion.
The next one will come, most likely when you least expect it and have resigned yourself to “it won’t happen”.
Absolutely this
Yes! Compatibility is a spectrum. GGG is so important. Dan Savage has some good advice on that topic.
What’s GGG in this context? Good guy Greg??
Edit: it means Good, Giving and Game!
As a highly sensitive person, what I’ve learned for me is:
- It takes time - years, even - to understand what happened, and why. Which means there’s nothing productive to be done except avoid things you’d regret. Be your best self, even if it’s hard as hell. If you care about this person, give them the space they evidently need; and leave the door open to reconnecting later in until you’ve decided, with a clear head and understanding why, that you’ll never eant them in your life.
- Prioritize caring for your basic mental and physical needs by getting enough sleep, food, exercise, and time outdoors.
- Treat yourself like you’re sick with the flu or a cold. Get rest if you can. Find ways to relax. Give yourself time to heal. Mindless things like TV or videogames can be good. Socializing is also good.
- Partners can ground us; make us feel secure, taken care of, connected to our world, full of purpose and value, etc. In the long term, without them, you need to re-ground and find things that give you those feelings. I had to come up with a list of things that make me feel connected and worthwhile, then take steps to engage in those. It included creative hobbies and dedicating time to good friends. Finding “myself” and things that felt meaningful took work: self-reflection and journaling, forcing myself to do hobbies until I enjoyed them, and becoming inspired by good art (TV, music) I love. Often our roots are in our upbringing, so it can be good to reconnect with things we loved. Once you have a life without your ex, you don’t need them. You don’t need any partner as much, for that matter, because what sustains you is more within your power and identity. And that’s how future relationships can be made safer, and heartbreak survivable.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am not a social person by default (he was the extrovert), so it’s difficult for me to be more social than I am now. I do have a lot of insecurities which makes that harder but I’ve been trying to see myself in a more positive light lately.
I really like what you said about roots and connecting with the things I used to love. He was so intertwined with my life and hobbies that it’s hard to find something that doesn’t have to do with him or the both of us. I feel like I need a 180 degree, blank slate/reset. I don’t know where to start with that.
I told my brother “Hey. I think I’m single now?”
He dropped everything, came over and we ate sad pizza and signed me up for new apartments as my ex and I lived together.
I turned on my computer and started to play mass effect 2… during 48h.
Slept a bit.
Call my family and friends to go out and not be alone.
Continue living.
Two years later I met my actual partner and we have a beautiful life with two incredible kids.
Just remember: losing someone hurts but is not the end, the heart heals.deleted by creator
I think this has something to do with Mass Effect 2
I’ve tried many things in this situations (seeing other girls, distracting with alcohol/drugs, etc) but they all just seem to alleviate the pain when they just throw it under the rug for a while.
For me, the best way to handle this has been to face my pain altogether. This pain does not come from this event. It is my own ancient pain that has been triggered by my now ex. Staying with the pain, listening to it, feeling it in your body and letting it be there is a transformative act.
I recommend listening to Pema Chödron’s videos or books. Maybe “When things fall apart”. I personally have been helped a lot by doing the “tonglen” meditation.
You feel vulnerable and it’s okay. Sounds like you need to realize you dodged a bullet.
About the question, remember that you are you and the only things that you need to keep going is to breath, to drink water, to eat and to keep yourself healthy. Everything else are probably ideas in your head that can change at any time. If you are struggling, remember to breath deeply. It will be okay.
I feel like I’m unlovable and will be alone for the rest of my life, and I want to die.
I don’t know. When someone thinks they’re unlovable I can only imagine sociopathic killers, pedophiles, pro-slavists and that caliber of beings. If you are in the clear, if you are a regular guy with some kinks, you are probably too wrapped in your own head thinking that you are unlovable or will be alone for the rest of your life.
I’d say that even wanting to die during some periods of life is normal. But if these periods are too often and or too long, you need to find a therapist or a psychiatrist that really works for you. Depression is a terrible illness that could be maintaining people far from you or viceversa. I’m not saying this to hurt or to overwhelm you, but I met my wife just after she started seeing a psychiatrist and, the first time she went depressed there was a period when I just couldn’t bring myself home. Not that she’s the easiest personality even when she’s fine, but I do love her, and I’m sure she struggles to love me back sometimes.
There are a couple of things here… firstly you’re thinking about him being with someone else - that’s not just a ‘breakup’, that’s worse.
Anyway, I found relaxing to be difficult so I went out and did stuff - also I just met lots of friends and tried not to be on my own. During my last breakup, I had someone to meet every day after work for a week - and that put some distance which made it easier.
It’s unimaginably hard to process. But it’s a very small solace knowing that I didn’t have to go without knowing for very long. I had to practically drag it out of him. Its scary thinking about if I had found out a month or two down the line, but it’s also kind of reassuring in a way, kind of like ‘I could be hurting wayyyy worse’.
I also think being around people would be helpful for me. Focusing on other social relationships. It’s just personally hard for me to connect with others. Everything I do feels forced. I wish I had let down my guard with others enough to be able have plans with someone every day. This is the goal I will have to focus on from now on so I don’t have to feel this way in the future.
hard for me to connect with others. Everything I do feels forced
Does this interaction you have here with random people feel forced? It doesn’t look like it does from your replies. It doesn’t look like you have trouble connecting with people here either.
If I’m wrong about that, the following will feel hollow/bad/be contra productive, but I’m reasonably sure about it… it doesn’t feel like that here because you can just be honest about everything since we’re just a bunch of anonymous strangers and you don’t have to worry about us at all. You can just be like you are and feel like you feel without any compromises. You said in another comment that you’ve talked to your sister and best friend about it, and literally said “they need to sleep so I’m also trying not to bother them too much right now”. Of course I don’t know your best friend and sister. But literally everyone I know would drop almost anything they’re doing and invite me over or come over to me if I needed it this badly like you need it right now. You are allowed and I encourage you very much to take this support from people. If you think about it, wouldn’t you do the same for them? Why would you do that for them? It’s very likely they feel exactly the same way and actually want to help you in any way they can. If I personally think about it, a night’s sleep, even multiple, would not even register as a reason to maybe not support my friends in any way I can.
So this is what I do when this happens. It literally happened about 7 months ago, not quite in the extreme and sudden way like it did for you, but it still hurts like hell. I went to all my friends and talked to them about it, as much as I needed. They offered a lot, but even what they didn’t immediately offer, I asked for what I needed. Someone to hold me, and other things. And there was not even a hesitation in them doing whatever I asked. I held nothing back.
I’m in a (relatively) good place now.
Everything I feel was/is valid, everything I asked for I would have gladly done the same for any of them. I say that it’s the same for you. Everything you feel is valid. Everything you need is valid. Take the support you need. I think this thread here is already perfect, you’re doing stuff to get yourself help. Mutual help is what the human race is all about (well, often at least). Feeling lonely is your body telling you to connect with others, so do it. More. As much as you need.
Edit: your best friend and sister are autonomous people. They will tell you if they don’t/can’t do something for you. So even if something was a problem for them, it’s their responsibility to tell you. Don’t preemptively say “I don’t want to bother them”. I’m very sure they want to be bothered, even though I don’t know them. But even if not, you always “bother” them first, and let them tell you if it’s actually a bother.
The night of the breakup I went to my best bud’s house and talked and smoked for hours. After that, I worked on myself, started reading again, going to the gym again and finally got myself checked out by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I had been putting all of that off for a long time and if there was ever a more cliche time to start, it was then.
Been about 2 years, half of what I was with her, and I still sometimes wish I had someone like her. I miss the connection I had with her. We went through a lot and at the time I thought I’d marry the girl. Then covid happened, some family tragedies, and suddenly our vibe was off. Sucks, but it woulda sucked more if it happened years later in life.
It was easier for me than it was for her, though. I’ve got issues regarding failure (not sure how else to word it). Whenever something might go tits up, I emotionally distance immediately. Job opportunities, dying pets, relationships, same defensive mechanism. Causes more trouble than it avoids, honestly, because I never know when to trust a gut feeling, or to stop being like this.
I still don’t feel 100%, but I wasn’t 100% when we broke up. Not looking for anything new, or to start up anything old again either.
Throw a fucking party that you dodged a bullet. He was going to cheat on you at some point, better to get this over with now than after marriage and/or kids.
Be happy that you are single and get to live a single life. Do all the things you like to do that he didn’t.
Enjoy life. Fuck that guy (not literally, seriously, delete him from your life)
My partner of just under 15 years left me out of the blue three years ago.
It… wasn’t easy. I understood her reasons, but that didn’t make it emotionally more acceptable, especially having not known about it beforehand as after so many years it was the only big thing, “never keep anything back at all, no matter what”.
But I suspect my case was a bit different than yours, as the problem wasn’t the first night. She had been gone for a week or so for work before, or even 2 weeks for a Mallorca trip with a bunch of friends, so the first 3-4 days were perfectly fine. It hit really hard after about a week, and then lasted for about a month.
What I had to do was significantly change the flat. Not only rip out stuff that was “hers”, but more importantly reorganize rooms so that the association was gone. It helped. Once that part was changed, I could pretty quickly calm down. I needed that constant reminder of “us” gone. As if I had just moved into a new flat on my own, and this was all me!That being said, there was one other thing. It sounds vain as hell, but I got a fuckbuddy. Sex helps. Happy hormons and all. It didn’t help on its own, but coupled with steadily changing the flat around me and engaging more with my personal hobbies over our shared hobbies, it was enough to get me through it.
How do you get a fuckbuddy? I really need that I think.
As I was told by someone, you are going through the grieving process. One moment, you’ll be sad, then angry, then accepting, and then angry and sad at the same time. Your grieving process is unique. Time and distance does help.
When my ex-fiancé ended things almost out of the blue. I slept most of the time. When I was sleeping, I didn’t have to think about being dumped. I reached out to people to get the support system going. I wrote a letter to them, a very angry and emotional letter. Then I re-wrote it. I read that letter to my ex-fiancé to try to get back together. I purged and clean my apartment, made plans to back to school and get a Bachelors of Law, and even started learning a new language so I could move to a new country. Having a plan for the future helped a lot even if it was slightly insane.
They wrote a response letter confirming their decision. I spent the next several months trying to get over the anger that was there. I went solo camping and did a hike. I ate a low dose of magic mushrooms and wrote my response out. I found that a lose dose of magic mushrooms was able to break down walls and allow me to think about everything in different manner. While that helped with the process, it didn’t get rid of the anger. I did eventually send my last attempt letter/here are some things you can grow on too/thank you letter to my ex-fiancé.
I went on a lot of hikes and talked to people about the anger that would never go away. Eventually it was suggested that I write everything out and burn it.
I decided to go camping with someone to a place that was at least 3 hour drive away. Ate another low dose of magic mushrooms and sat in the middle of a water fall writing out the most angry letter ever. Then I burned the letter right there with the original draft of the last attempt letter/here are some things you can grow on too/thank you letter. As it was pointed out to me the symbolism of writing an angry letter right in the middle of water being turbulent was on point. It helped that the river before and after the falls was extremely calm, which represented the before and after the break up. I let all the negative energy be purified by the flame and water.
I went back to the campsite and wrote another letter, however this was all positive about my summer and what I achieved and looking forward too. I preceded to burn it in the fire to release all the positive energy back into the universe. As the magic mushrooms were telling me that needed to be done. The next day, I went on long and difficult hike to help cement the symbolism of moving onto a new adventure.
While the anger tries to flare up once and awhile, I tell myself that there is no need to be angry anymore. I got out of my system.
The final two pieces of advice; if you can, go no contact with them. Having them in your life is going to prevent the healing. I still love my ex-fiancé however having them in my life as a friend would only lead to major problems for both of us. The second piece, you’re never going to truly going to get over it, it’s like the death of a family member or the loss of a good friendship. It’s part of your life now. You learn to live with it.
Quite sudden breakup after almost 16 years. He didn’t love me anymore.
I made it through the first night listening to a recording of my mom reading my two favourite child books to me when I was three (these recordings were originally done on tape, but I digitalised them a few years ago and they are a bit of an auditory security blanket). That helped me through the night. Next morning, completely numb, I went to a bakery and bought something to eat, then I drove over to my best friend where I spent the whole day, crying and cursing but also laughing and most importantly talking. At the end of that, I was in a mindset where I knew this would hurt like fuck but it was better this way.
What followed were six weeks where my ex still lived in the same apartment and slept in the same room (we didn’t split in a fight, it simply was over), I fled to my best friend once per week and worked from there (self employed) and spent my weekends Friday afternoon till Sunday evening at my parents. I talked a lot with friends and family, took lengthy walks and overall just tried to make it through every day.
Once my ex was gone for good, my best friend came over for three days and helped with a deep clean of the apartment and setting up some new furniture to replace what he’d taken with him. Then I started my new life.
All I can say is, it gets better, it gets easier, and in hindsight it was one of the best things that happened to me.
It was in August of 2018, after almost 16 years. In January of 2020 I met my new partner who taught me what I’d missed in all that time.
It’s just time. Might suck for a little time or a long time though.
If you want to make it suck for as little as possible just go no contact and don’t snoop. It really is as simple as that. Although I’m very aware it’s a hard thing to do.
Sorry this happened to ya. Hang on.
