Serious question. Im new to posting, so if Im doing this wrong please let me know 🙂
I am in my 30s and the door is closing on the potential to have a child, which my partner and I do want. The only problem is finances. We live quite alright at the moment. My career is finally feeling like a career, but my research has shown that whichever parent stays home with kiddo (and one of us would, daycare costs suck) ends up with a nerfed career should they try to return to work after the kid is school aged. And 100% we’d want to be able to pay someone to help here and there. Just dealing with home repair, older vehicles, and no parents who live close means we definitely would need a break here and there… and it would be nice to be able to afford that to have a date night here and there. Add to that all the scaries of pregnancy (potential death, permanant incontinence risk, changed body, list goes on) and the world we’re currently in and… you get it.
On the flip side. Tons of folks are childfree, so there wouldn’t be any shortage of people willing to travel and stay up late on weekends alongside us. We could prioritize fun, including… drum roll please… my lifelong dream of having a horse. We don’t own land, so costs would go to a boarding facility, a vehicle that can tow a trailer, and care/training for the beast. Id never have tk wonder if I have enough time and money to care for both a kiddo and a horse.
Now, I get that this may read like I’ve already made up my mind. I love the idea of having a child, sharing the world with them, watching them grow into their own person. My partner would be a stable and fantastic parent. But the cons against it feel real. Can I ask for opinions? I am particularly interested in the pro-child ones. Thanks!
Tldr: pros and cons of having kid vs horse seem unfairly stacked. Help lmao.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your replies! I enjoyed reading them. I think a few people took the question too literally and/or believed I would really base such a huge decision on the opinion of internet strangers. That is not true. I did appreciate all the perspectives, however. The horse I refer to would be a real horse, but it also refers to all the other things in life a child free existence has brought those who live that lifestyle.
Barring extreme circumstances, we actually already have decided to have children. I REALIZE THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL DECISION. Each individual must decide for themselves what seems best for them personally. Our friend group is incredibly child free for various reasons, all of which are good reasons that I respect and Im happy for them that they are resolute in their choices. All are lovely around kids. They just knew or decided parenthood wasn’t what they wanted for themselves, and that’s ok.
Just for funsies - Reasons I’m Ambivalent about the Horse:
Without owning land for a horse, boarding sucks and there are always other options. I have connections to take a riding lesson here or there if the horsey itch ever arose, for instance. It is much cheaper to volunteer and take lessons or lease a horse. That and, yes, the horse care never ends and it remains a horse. I’ve been to rescues where amazing horses are surrendered without a second thought because they became too old or ill to ride, and the owner didn’t want an animal around costing money they couldn’t ride. Sad. Meanwhile, a child will learn, grow, and eventually become a full fledged human being if all goes well.
I know the world looks like its headed in a terrible direction sometimes, but I also believe it’s good to have people who care to have children that they want to raise as good and caring individuals. Biology tells us (or society does) to have kids and so we do, but I also think no one should have a child if they aren’t ready to care for them. So many kids are born to parents who end up ill equipped to have them. Regret is frowned upon in parenting circles, but absolutely exists. Our children will never be saddled with such burdens. To piggyback onto this…
I do disagree with those who say if youre questioning whether to have kids, don’t have them. Questioning is a great way to consider new angles and ways of thinking you might not have bothered examining before.
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Never buy anything that flies, fucks or floats. No planes, no boats, no horses. If you really want to try one of these, try renting or borrowing the thing for a whole summer. Maybe even two summers.
Finally a good use for the decoration I hung up my place some years ago!
Huh. Strange opinions I read in the comments.
On moral decision: I will argue bringing a kind to this messed up world is a morally good thing. There have always been good and bad times. And we need people to make those good times. Well raised and well trained people. Even if our generation screwed up, we can at least equip the next generation with knowledge and love to fix what we could not. What about if the world and existence were beautiful and fun to experience? In that case no one would object you to bring a kid to this world. I will tell you a secret. World IS beautiful and fun. It is all about perspective. Well this fully depends on you seeing a glass half full and teaching your kids to see it the same way… Lots of people in the comments seeing this glass not just half empty but seeing it completely empty.
You can also live your life serving others or just serving yourself. It is always more beneficial for you to serve yourself. However serving other can be more rewarding. Serving others is always sacrificial. In case of raising a kid there are some really major sacrifices to be made including all you already mentioned. But this is also one of the best thing you can do for another person. For example even by volunteering you usually do not give people life, do everything for them until you prepare them for living their life on their own. You will have to sacrifice almost everything.
While having a kid will also have some benefits (eg. increased chance of not dying alone). You should not do this for yourself. Raising kids is about them not you.
I personally think if there are kids for adoption it would be morally better to adopt. Because you not only give a happy life to a kid. But you also save someone from a lot of struggle at the same time. However it would be still better to bring another happy and well raised kid to the world if you decide not to adopt (eg. If you feel you could not love someone else’s kid as much as your own)
On actual decision:
- Do what you think is right. Not what will benefit you the most. The empty side of the glass is empty because people decided to prioritize their own benefits over what is right. (You might figure out having a kid not the right thing for you)
- You should know no parent is ever ready to have kids. Parents are just kids having kids. What makes parents parents is a will to sacrifice and will to learn.
- If you decide to have a kid, you should first get your finances in order.
- if you decide to have a kid, you should marry first. To secure your kids future as much as possible.
- Remember having a kid is about them not you.
I really enjoyed this answer. I have definitely noticed a more positive spin on having children from my non American or well traveled friends, and this reminded me of their views.
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No kids and a horse atm. Take your money and invest it in yourselves. Horses and kids are expensive as fuck
If you have to ask for advice for having a child don’t. Don’t bring a child into this world unless you are 100% all in regardless of what others (besides your partner of course) say.
The child has no say in being born, so the parents should be 100% ready for it. Anything less isn’t fair to him or her.
To add to that, I like to say there’s no bad reason to not have kids. Any reason you can think of that you shouldn’t have a kid, that’s a great reason. There are lots of bad reasons to have kids though.
Adopt the kid, gets around the moral issue of bringing a child into the world. The kid is already in the world, you just provide for them.
Eh, that can be pretty complicated.
And it could skip the part where one of you absolutely must be around at all times.
Adopt a teen and put them to work.
Is is cheaper than having one the old-fashioned way though?
I think horses are FAR more expensive than you think they are.
Yes, but it’s awfully difficult to ride a child.
GOP is sure its possible
the collective internet: DON’T SAY IT! ZetaLightning94: …hehe
Kids are also not cheap.
I’d be shocked if they had done no research at all.
Another option is to adopt a kid who’s like >12 who you can set up a good future for without having to spend as much money or 18 years.
A lot of the kids in foster care go homeless when they turn 18, and you could prevent that for someone :)
I second adoption. I am unsure if I ever want to raise a kid, but if I do, it will be with an existing child that someone doesn’t want/can’t take care of.
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If you are questioning whether or not to become a parent, then you should not become a parent. This is something that you should be 100% on-board with, not something you are unsure.
Fwiw, I’m childfree and have absolutely zero regrets. If anything, life and world events since I fully committed to my decision (i.e. surgery) have reinforced my choice.
I agree that OP doesn’t seem that enthusiastic, but questioning whether or not you’re 100% on-board with having a child is something every parent should do.
Indeed, I would be extremely skeptical of myself if I ever felt 100% about anything, let alone a decision as big as this. That alone would make me force myself to ask for second opinions from as many different people as possible.
I get the sentiment, and of course one needs to be fairly sure about a thing like this, but nobody should ever feel 100% about anything. Only way that happens is if you either willingly ignore or are ignorant of a lot of things on the other sides of the metaphorical coins. Everything in life is a chaotic mess with so many layers and dimensions that it’d be impossible to navigate it with any certainty nearing 100%.
But the sentiment I do agree with. You have to be sure to a great extent, even if it ought not, or ever really even can, be 100%. It’s an impossible threshold for anyone to clear, and telling someone they have to be 100% when they never really can, or at least should be able to, is just planting a seed of doubt in their mind that is not necessarily helpful. It can be very destructive.
In general, having impossible ideals for people to aspire to is a bad exercise. We know this by heart with body ideals and acceptance for example, we ought to understand this applies to everything else too.
Doing it if you’re not sure at all sure seems like a bad idea, but can you ever be that sure about something you haven’t tried?
It’s not about being sure about what’s involved, but being sure that it is what you want regardless of what’s involved.
The reality is no one knows what you’re getting into when you have a child, even when it’s not your first child.
However, you can be sure you want to commit your life to something without knowing the future.
This is just my opinion and personal experience, but people that really want a child don’t really debate with themselves over whether they should have a child or a pet. Yea, it’s a big, expensive, and rideable pet, but that seems to be what it boils down to. Based on that, I’m feeling that you don’t want a kid.
Imagine your future child reads this vapid post. How would they feel, their entire existence and your responsibility for raising them into functional adults set against a fucking horse?
This is the right answer. If you really wanted child(ren), you’d have done it already without asking random internet people.
Don’t listen to the FOMO, you already know the answer. Close that door and open a different one.
I have kids and I love them so much, but I have had to give up a lot for them. I will never burden them with my struggles or sacrifices, I made the choice to have them, they didn’t.
If you are willing to trade a lot of time, money, more time, more money, some sanity and all if your patience, without thinking twice, you want a family. Also, if you and your spouse are emotionally unstable or unwell, you are going to put that into a child’s life. Not everyone who can have a family should have one.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
There is NOTHING wrong with a child free life. Most people don’t consciously choose a family, they just follow a very powerful instinct, having kids doesn’t make someone special.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
Bruh, I have depression and my mother is already treating me like I have a disability and a “useless eater” and “burden to society” even though I helped her with her small bussiness, and now they threatened to leave me with none of their assets (as in like inheritance) and giving it all to my older brother.
Jesus christ lol, I wish my soul got incarnated into a different family, wtf is this?!?
I feel like you shouldn’t be solely relying on other people’s opinions for important life decisions.
Because the thing is: You ask the internet and 99% will tell you “don’t have a child”, you ask friends and relatives IRL and they 90% will say “yes have a child”, but like… you won’t end up living your own life, you are just walking down a path someone else chose for you
They’re not necessarily solely relying on other peoples opinions, just interested in other peoples perspectives.
Yeah, I would argue that expanding one’s perspective on matters as important as a decision like this, should almost be mandatory.
Asking for fresh eyes and different points of view on any bigger decision is to be encouraged in my opinion. Making big decisions based on intuition and one’s own limited perspective and feelings is bound to be less well informed and as such, more likely to backfire or turn out bad.
Ask questions. Ask opinions. There will always be people telling you to be your own self and not just follow what others say, but broadening perspectives is not following others or lacking own agency/will, it’s the very opposite. It is what helps one have a healthy starting point to make their own decisions.
I’m not sure why some people just feel the urge to assume anyone asking for second opinions or just thoughts on a matter in general is doing it because they lack their own opinion or free will, but here in the internet, they are depressingly many.
People are complex. Life is chaotic. Everything is riddled with unique situational details and it’s impossible for anyone to navigate that alone. It’s only natural to want a better understanding and perspective on any important issues. It’s to be wholeheartedly encouraged. Not reduced to a stereotype of a puppet with no own free will or agency. That’s just a sad, self-important and vain need for some people to appear somehow more independent and intelligent than the rest of us. Don’t pay no mind to them. Thirst for the knowledge and understanding and the expansion of your perspective.
I’d add the stuff only people with kids understand to the “pros” list. The standard model human is biologically wired to find the experience rewarding, while you may or may not like horses as much as you think you would.
Is freezing eggs and getting the horse first an option? You can, indeed, sell it and try again later.
The actual choice is subjective, so I’ll echo that you shouldn’t let Lemmy decide for you. A lot of people are projecting their own preferences here. Or your partner for that matter.
Unless you have unlimited wealth I wouldn’t go with a horse unless you can board it yourself. Otherwise you’re just leasing and will miss out on most of the bonding that makes up a large part of the horse relationship. It’s all the cost and then some for a third of the reward.
