On day 3 of a meth bender, non-stop looking at and Photoshopping porn, paralyzed my ulnar nerve by the way my arm was resting on the armrest. Yes, I sat there that long in the same position. Couldn’t feel my pinkie and ring finger for a couple of years. No, I haven’t done meth in 20 years.

Sliced my forearm open trying to make a small scratch to do a blood brother thing with my gf. My god, I barely got it to stop bleeding. Now I have what looks like a suicide scar. In other news, I was top-tier at sharpening pocket knives back then.

Hit a brick wall, head on, driving my motorcycle drunk, on an unfamiliar street, at night, wearing dark goggles. The bike exploded into fragments, I got a light concussion.

Broke my femur, most crippling injury to date. Knew my motorcycle brakes were far too worn, drove it anyway. Lady slammed her brakes, guy in front of me did same, I tried to do the same, rammed him from behind.

Using a non-locking pocket knife to trim a washer hose. It folded and cut me to the bone, had to have surgery to repair the extensor tendon. Also using a non-locking pocket knife to work on my motorcycle throttle cable, you guessed it, it folded and cut me to the bone. Have had nerve damage in that fingertip since.

Riding my BMX as a kid, decided to try an endo. Slammed the front brakes at speed with predictable results. Knee hit the asphalt to hard it mashed the skin off. Still got the scar, which matches the one on my other knee from swinging over a lava rock.

Got diverticulitis, 3 times, most painful events of my life. Spent years shitting too hard, developed diverticulitis. Surgery fixed it!

Popped a lung after a night of rigorous sex. Yes, I smoked cigarettes and weed. Also, had a lawn service where I inhaled dust all day. Maybe not so much on me though. Doc said it was common among young men and I had two friends blow a lung in those years.

Lately, my feet have been all fucked up from working at Lowe’s (I rage quit BTW). Got some new shoes at the thrift, like walking on clouds. Apparently been wearing a size too small for years.

Bruised/broken my ribs several times, broke my right arm twice, countless broken toes and fingers, and perhaps more than the one concussion described above. At this point in the story I’ve stopped counting scars.

I can keep going. No idea how I survived my 20s without permanent injury or prison time.

I once twisted a nerve in my shoulder by sitting down wrong in the bus.

Burned my face while breathing fire with Everclear.

I broke my toe on a case of ramen noodles.

I used to work nights. When I had the next day off, I would usually stay up all day and go to sleep that evening. So, wake up around 2-4pm Friday, go to at 10pm to 6am Saturday and not sleep until Saturday evening.

This eventually caught up with me. I was riding a bicycle down a hill, just coasting and fell a sleep for a second. Down I went. Need stitches in my head ( I still have a bump), tons of road rash, and banged up my knee.

I recovered fully except for the bump on my head.

I slipped a disk and pinched a nerve in my neck by sitting up to get out of bed.

Wanted to see what happened if I stuck my finger into a pencil sharpener. Didn’t really think that one through

I had two cartoon-style injuries: stepped on a rake and fallen down the stairs, hitting my butt on every step.

I once cut the inside of my thigh as a kid by bicycle jousting with my friends at night-time along the streets and sidewalks. Slammed into one of my friends’ tires head-on, and got thrown forward into the crossbar. I was lucky I was slightly off-center, but I came away with a nasty bruise, a laceration, and a rip in my shorts.

In high school I was run over by a car that I was sitting in. Buddy stopped in a parking lot, I started to get out, then he went forward and my foot was caught under the rear tire. I was pulled out of the car and my leg was run over.

Minor tear in a ligament and have a nice scar, but that’s about it.

When I was about 6 years old, I had just gotten back from spending a weekend with my cousins who were like my siblings because I was an only child. We had fun running around and playing catch and riding bikes etc. and my cousin showed me monster trucks for the first time ever. So while I was alone in my room I had the tv on waiting for a new episode of monster trucks to come on and throwing a football across the room to myself, jumping onto my bed to catch it.

On what would be my last attempt, I lobbed the ball, took a couple steps and jumped forward. Unfortunately, I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know I am on the floor trying to sit up and looking around trying to figure out what happened. When I looked down I saw a stream of blood dripping onto my arm and hand. I just screamed until my parents showed up to help.

I wound up being taken to the urgent care and spending a night at the hospital because I landed face first onto the sharp wooden corner of my bed frame, shattering my nose into 6 pieces and splitting my face open requiring reconstruction and about 80 stitches. Decades later and you’d never know it happened but boy do I think back at how dumb that was lol.

I shattered my ankle, separated my tibia and fibula, and broke a different part of my fibula. All in one moment. How, you ask? By stepping outside. My dog pulled too hard on her leash and I stumbled and twisted my ankle in just the right way. Got a fancy Maisonneuve fracture that had to be surgically fixed.

When I was around 12 I sat crouched on the floor and was hyper focused on drawing. I must’ve sat there for hours with little to no movement and when I got up I couldn’t lift my right foot. I severely damaged a nerve and had to go through weeks of physiotherapy.

I was cutting slices out of an apple with a comically large Bowie knife.

My roommate said, “Hey, that looks pretty dangerous.”

I said, “Nah, bro, it’s perfectly safe.”

Somewhere around the middle of that sentence, the knife sliced through the apple and into my palm.

He had to drive me to the hospital for stitches.

I was cutting a cardboard box up with a box cutter, holding the box steady with my off hand while pushing the blade downward through the cardboard. I realized that my hand was below the blade and therefore there was a risk I’d cut myself if the blade suddenly moved more quickly through the cardboard than anticipated. Safety first! So I stopped cutting, leaving the blade in the cardboard, and lifted my hand to grip the cardboard above where I was cutting instead.

Slammed my thumb right into the blade as I moved my hand, peeling a nasty slice of skin off. Took a lot of stitches to tack it back in place, still have a scar from that.