So I moved back to my city after 7 years where my family lives.
It’s been 2 years but I never really enjoyed people here. Mostly people I met were from my previous circles, family, school friends and their partners.
I always thought something was off and maybe over time I will figure things out but it was just not happening.
Yesterday I went to dinner with my partners friends and damn it was whole different vibe. As if it’s a different culture. I really enjoyed talking and was genuinely interested in next meeting.
Resparked my joy in meeting people and I guess I was with wrong people and there are people who are out there who vibe match with me but it’s so hard to find them.
There’s a reason so many people who suffer from chronic loneliness are told to first join some kind of socially-integrated hobby, activity, or group: Doing something you already enjoy, in the company of other people who enjoy the same thing, is likely to bring you people you are more likely to vibe with.
One of the best possible ways to start actually finding people you enjoy being around is to go to activities that involve people with a similar set of interests to you. For example, if I go to my local hackerspaces/makerspaces, I’m going to find a fuck ton of people who are interested in the same technology as me, and that means I’m probably gonna find people that have similar interests overall.
The main problem is that with the major reduction in third places, and with things becoming more and more costly to do, (e.g. my nearest makerspace costs over $100/mo to be a part of) it’s hard to actually get into those social circles where you can meet people that you’ll actually like being around.
Absolutely! I just moved to a city that significantly sponsors third places, there are so many clubs and activities for free or almost (archery club fee at 45€/year, dojos go between 45€/semester to 100€, swimming pool at 2€/hour, film festivals for under 10€, knitting club and language club are free, additional discounts come with social security benefits). It makes such a difference! Meeting people becomes seamless when costs are not a constraint. It has been so much easier to build a social net.
Previously I was in a big business city. Everything costs so much, it was hard to justify. Free activities were few and far between. After years there, all my social contacts were through my work.
just because people like the same shit that you do doesn’t mean they want to be your friend or you will have any deeper connection than them than the superficial interests involved.
what people are lacking is deep relationships. like emotional connections. not just enjoying being nerdy together. i have been involved in tons of nerdy groups and it never goes beyond the shallow superficial stuff of the activity. like, i don’t know about you but talking about shit i have bought or shit i have done isn’t really what i’m looking and doesn’t really satisfy me emotionally in any significant way.
most of my good friends and relationships came from people I didn’t have common interests with, but common values. And my values are rapidly disappearing from the world and people like me are actively shunned by the sycophancy of social media addicted people.
I remember reading somewhere that you should combine this (doing an activity) with wearing something that signals another interest. The idea is that you’ll potentially find people where you already have 2 common interests. For example, going to this hackerspace with a concert t-shirt for one of your favourite bands. And lastly, if you want a deeper connection, you can’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
This so much. My depressed ass with social anxiety is getting more and more lonely everyday.
I also think its super hard to find them. Most people are nice but you dont feel a true connection.
But yeah, as others have said, group up with people who enjoy the same things you do, and you have a bigger chance of finding your tribe of people.
Meeting other people’s friends groups (as you described meeting your partner’s friends) is a great way to shortcut that awkwardness. Its not just that someone else has done the hard work of filtering folks out, but that people are just on better form when with friends. Part of the problem of making friends in random social events is most people are either a bit awkward or putting on a social ‘mask’, which makes it harder to actually identify the people you’d like once you got past that.
My wife social circle has a bunch of people who entered as someone’s partner for a whole, but stayed friends with us after they broke up (even if there was a delicate period post-split where we hung out with them both, but never together).
Totally get you. I was 100% born in the wrong place and only understood whats normal after I moved.
Unfortunately I found that to meet new people you need to make an effort… Sometimes a lot of effort. But it is rewarding. I was in the same boat. Moved back to the city I grew up in, 3 years passed, no new friends. So I made an effort to go to different events and meet people in real life. It has helped a bunch. Sure I’m not going to get along with everyone but you only need to get along with at least one person and you’ll be good. If you get along with more then that’s just a bonus at that point.
It definitely helps if you pick up a hobby or go to meeting with people you share something with. It doesn’t have to be hobby though, it can be a religion, a philosophy, a lifestyle, etc.
Try a revolution of the mind. Instead of looking for people who vibe with you, try to identify people with whom you can vibe. Instead of trying to get people to like you, allow yourself to like someone else. Then give that person a small compliment about the thing you like about them. “I like this guy’s jokes.” They will understand that you’re a fan, and you will have a mew friend.
Don’t get your hopes up on the Mew part though. And if you try to recreate one in lab and call it MewTwo, it will end in disaster.
You have to keep searching. If you don’t try, you won’t get it.
Shit is awkward sometimes but great. You’re right, finding people who are that right amount is difficult. Find them.
Yes, but also sometimes the more you try the worse it gets.
If I don’t try to date, for example, I won’t get a partner. OK, but I also won’t have drinks thrown in my face, be screamed at, and be harassed by stalkers. All of which I have had to deal with in dating and was all so intensely negative I’m not sure the potential positive is worth it. I can’t even talk about my hobbies, my history, on a date anymore in 2025 without being told what a stupid loser piece of shit I am. People are insane. 10 years ago I could talk about all that stuff and people thought it was cool.
society has become way more not just anti-social, but openly hostile to strangers. in 2015 I never had anyone scream at me on a date. even if they didn’t like me they were just chill and polite about it. Now if they don’t like you they flip out at you, call you names, and sometimes threaten you.
Same is true of many social spaces and groups I used to hang out with. Used to be very laid back. Now it is very hostile to anyone who is a ‘non believer’ of whatever dogma the space is espousing.
My best advice for finding a partner is to first find a best friend that evolves into a partner.
that’s not how sex works though. people dont’ want to be friends with people they want to fuck, and they dont’ want to fuck people they are friends with.
and a romantic relationship requires the desire to fuck. so that’s why people focus on that first and foremost.
Many people marry for different reasons. To each their own. In my eyes, I married for my forever partner. Beauty fades and I want more than a bang. I want someone who’s brain will be my partner more than their body.
The “make friends first” method works for me for this. Yes I want to have sex but I don’t want my intimacy to be wasted.
